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Preparation
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Contact
Body language, non-verbal insults? Congruence of body and tone of voice? Hurting the person? Be aware of non-verbal changes and address them: I see that you lean back, so I have the impression that …
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Preparation questions
· What exactly are the initiators?
· Why do I want this dialogue? · What are the goals of the
conversation?
· Am I the right person for this?
Is it my job?
· What is my role in this talk? · What responsibility leads me
to have this dialogue?
Facts. What did I perceive/ observe?
Exception: non-authorised third party information. From hearsay (gift of blindness with regard to rumours, half-truths, intrigues)
My estimations, my ideas
Room, time, duration.
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Establishing contact, Smalltalk, „shake hands“
Rapport: Body language, Tone of voice
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Frame
Are there distractions from the topics? Does somebody produce any fog? Any secondary theatres? Wrong opening? Lost my line / am I off the agenda? Distractions by killer phrases?
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Role
(personal, colleague, TRA) Cause: What is my intention?
Revealing myself:
I speak to you as … I am a little bit nervous because it is a touchy issue,
I thought it over and over again.
My intention/ my goal for today is ….
I want to speak about a topic that I have been putting off for a long time already…
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Create common ground
Did my partner get me right? Has he got the same „map“ in mind?
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Past
Is it true that… I have the impression that..
Reaction: yes à continue with agreement on goals
No Yes, but Yes, but
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Future
agreement on goals, evtl. on the road map
The road map must remain in the responsibility of the others, otherwise there is the danger of under-responsibility
Evtl. resume of the talk.
Any remarks or questions left?
END:
What exactly is he next step: New date, next action
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"No, not right" Denial
Is the other one right? Was my "map" incomplete?
If not: Are you saying that I’m lying? Agree on next meeting. Give concrete direction: What is essential for the next talk to have a leverage on the confrontation scale, Set facts!
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Yes, but that is no problem…" Trivialising
Point out the importance by explaining the consequences.
Give background information and explanations
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Yes, but the others …" Blaming and denial
Attention: "Drama-Triangle": Persecutor-Victim-Saviour-games
Clarify responsibilities and duties
Careful: Avoid the “Saviour role“ Do consult, but do not take over responsibility
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When things happened outside the boundaries: Getting personal, blaming, secondary theatres… Reorientation on the topic, put off other topics to a later date if necessary. If cannot be delayed: Don’t forget main street along the detour.
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If the contact (rapport) doesn’t work for a longer period: Ask “corkscrew questions”: I have the impression that…. Is there any hidden agenda standing between us? Are there any expectations of yours that did not come true or were not complied with?
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Developed by Ulrich Grannemann